July 10th, 2019

The ache of a heartbreak:

-it burns through your chest

-illuminates your deepest flaws

It is a broken record looping the single most confusing, humiliating moment of your life before your eyes. Nobody’s moment is the exact same, in ways that can’t be explained, our pain is individual.

Yet there is heartache… everywhere… I guess I just never felt it before.

It is dark. Exhausting. I find myself asking from people what I know they can never give.

It feels like numbness, the same old pattern and routine with new faces.

The pain of a broken heart appears in many different ways. In nightmares that were once fond memories. In O V E R T H I N K I N G. Counting the scoreboard of the sum total of wasted time thinking about one person. Like a train that keeps rolling long after its wheels have lost its tracks, I fought with myself for so long about never going back.

I forgot. Just how much you sucked. How much the whole situation was never not fucked up.

It makes sense, of course I’d fall for someone who is handsome with mystery. But those eyes will NEVER look the same to me. Blank, clouded over, taunting. Almost saying “love me, I dare you”.

I am no longer tethered to you. May the memory of the girl I thought I was, whom you once loved, rest in peace. She is gone.

In her place is a reclamation of all that will be. I am the sculptor and my hands will be the brushes upon my body of art, of love, of stories. Of respect. Of Integrity, gratitude, learning and growing. THAT is who I am becoming.

So, yes, heartbreak. It burns like a hot plate that was warned of, but you just had to touch. You never thought it could hurt like this, but now it burns so you’ve learned from this.

-Naomie April Gibbs